The Muffin Blog

This post is my (late) contribution to Blogging Against Disablism Day.

One of the frustrations that comes with having various mental disabilities (in my case, “high-functioning” autism and clinical depression) is the way other people refuse to believe you have them.

My teachers and doctors always knew I had issues, and begged my parents to get me an official diagnosis so I could get further help, but they always refused–they always insisted, loudly and emphatically, that I was Perfectly Normal and there couldn’t possibly be anything wrong with me. Even after I tried to kill myself and they could ignore the depression no longer, they still pooh-pooh’d the doctors who pegged me as autistic. They simply would not allow for the possibility–after all, no child of theirs was going to be disabled, not if they had anything to say about it!

I’ve gotten the same from many friends and acquaintances over the years–people who insisted that, since I rarely showed visible signs, I could not possibly be disabled in any way. Sometimes this comes across as accusations of “trying to get attention” or “stealing taxpayer money,” but usually, it’s worded more like, “But you look/sound fine to me!” (More than once, I’ve had people say to me something like, “I can’t believe you’re autistic. I think too highly of you for that.” Umm… wow. And I mean that in the worst possible way.)

On the surface, what’s going on is that, when people say they don’t see me as disabled, what they mean is that they don’t see me as lesser. Which, I guess, is good to know–I sure don’t like being seen as lesser–but the clear implication is that disabled people are lesser, and so their attempt to say that I’m “not really disabled” is actually a manifestation of their disablism. This bugs me.

I think there’s more to it than just the obvious, surface disablism, though.  I think that another reason people have such a hard time accepting my disability is because I don’t fit The Narrative.

The Narrative goes something like this:

• We are introduced to a Person With Disabilities. Lacking the ability to Be Normal, the PWD’s life is one of untold sorrow and loneliness, and zie dreams for nothing more than to Be Normal and have lots of Normal friends.
• The PWD’s suffering is discovered by one or more Compassionate Abled People, who take it upon themselves to help fulfill the PWD’s aforementioned dreams.
• The CAPs become the PWD’s Only True Friends in the World, the only people who truly understand. They work tirelessly, fighting for the poor defenseless PWD who has no real say in zir life, working hard to help zir Become Normal, and to succeed at Normal goals in a Normal way.
• The PWD succeeds at a Normal goal, grandly and publicly, and zir newfound Normality is widely seen as a Triumph of the Human Spirit. The CAPs smile broadly, proud of their student and of the way that, with their help, zie has Overcome Zir Disabilities. (Bonus Alternate Ending: The CAPs succeed in Curing the PWD, who is now quite happy being Normal, and eternally grateful to the CAPs. The former PWD then becomes a CAP zirself, and searches for other PWDs to do the same to for.)

Note how, even though The Narrative at first appears to center on the PWD, the real protagonists of the story are the CAPs. The PWD is a helpless object of pity, and the CAPs are the heroes who help develop this pathetic monster into A True Human Being. The CAPs aren’t in The Narrative for the PWD; they’re in it for them. They’re in it so they can feel like they’re doing a good deed by elevating this Poor, Suffering Soul to their level, and maybe score some Liberal Points along the way.

Seeing this story time and time again in the media–from The Elephant Man to those horrible MDA telethons which are still going on–I can’t help but recall that old meme of the Civilized White Man Elevating the Colored Savages. Sure, I buy that at least some of the people who held that idea genuinely wanted to help, but their desire arose from premises that were fundamentally bigoted and offensive.

(Before anyone goes there, yes, I’m aware that disabled people do require lots of help and support from abled friends and allies. I should know. I am a disabled person. What I take issue with is the kind of support that others seem to think I need. I’ll come back to this in a minute.)

Anyway, getting back on track:  The Narrative is really about the Compassionate Abled People, and so, when the Person With Disabilities fails (or, heaven forbid, refuses) to fit The Narrative, the CAPs simply refuse to accept zir rebellion against it.

There are two ways in which they can do this. One is to become angry and push back, in hopes of putting the PWD in zir place. I once knew a CAP who did this to me constantly. She did truly help me in some ways (she helped me get a job, for instance, and I’ll always be grateful for that) but, every time I tried to assert myself, or take advice from people other than her, or make a life decision she did not approve of, or–God help me–talk about embracing my autistic nature… well, “shouting match” would be putting it kindly.

One especially common refrain of hers was, “How am I supposed to help you if you won’t let me?” Never mind that I didn’t ask for her help in the first place, and that a lot of the stuff she was doing wasn’t actually helping at all–that was all beside the point, because the point was The Narrative. By standing up for myself and my right to be myself, I was depriving her of the chance to be the hero in a story that she already had mapped out in her head–a story about a retarded, dejected sub-person and (more importantly) the True Human Being who loved her.

And she hasn’t been the only one to pull that crap with me, either. It’s very frustrating, and wearying, to deal with people whose only real interest in you is as a “plot point” for their own life drama.

The second way CAPs try to force The Narrative–and this one really only works for non-obvious disabilities–is by simply insisting that the PWD is not, in fact, disabled. After all, according to The Narrative, a true disabled person would constantly struggle with untold hardship, be mocked by all of society except for Compassionate Abled People (who are the only ones in the world who truly understand), and want nothing more than to live a Normal life and follow Normal dreams. Someone who accepts zirself the way zie is, someone who has a reasonably fulfilling life with a job and friends and ambitions, does not make a good pity object. Thus, zie cannot possibly be disabled, because The Narrative says that being pity objects is what disabled people are for.

As you’ve probably guessed, I hate The Narrative. Aside from just perpetuating disablism and making it All About the Abled People, it prevents disabled people from getting the help they really need. For example, instead of working to bring about greater educational and societal inclusion for autistic people, most of the “autism awareness” people in the US are concerned with “curing” autism, because The Narrative says that this is what we must want (and if we don’t, we’re obviously not “really” autistic). Thus, we’re denied things that could actually help us function in society and live our lives to the fullest, and instead told that our self-appointed advocates, and our government, are hard at work trying to make us Normal (and, eventually, preventing us from ever being born in the first place).

So, yes, it’s frustrating. Because I will not allow myself to become a disablist’s pity object, I am denied the very understanding and resources I need. And so are lots of others like me.

This needs to stop.